Every night I go to bed, I have thoughts swirling in my head. Things to do. Scrapbook pages I want to create. Gifts I want to make. Skills I want to learn. And, of course, daily happenings that I don't want to forget, but invariably will by tomorrow morning, only to pop up in a random thought weeks down the road. So, here I am. I may use this blog daily to empty my head and heart before cuddling up in my duvet, or as it may be, I may write in it once a month. Who knows. It is for me, but perhaps something I write or learn may spark a fire in someone else. Perhaps it may quiet a mind or make you feel like you are not alone out there. It is for me. But perhaps it is for you.

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Today's Desire List: Sept 27, 2016

I desire...

for my body to feel 100% healthy
to walk in the forest

to cook a tasty dinner
to be at 100% sustained energy
to feel like my day has been perfect
fresh cut flowers
to be out of my head
to have a date night with Marc on Friday
to find and order a family pic with ease
to connect with my boys today

to have fun with my boys
a clean computer
to receive a letter
to be clear on my birthday desires
to work 4 days a week maximum
to love every minute of my job
a toned, firm, strong, flexible body
a flat, strong stomach so I can wear snug clothing
a decorative rug on the wall like at Urban Healing
the best month of October ever
a day a month just for digestion/planning/writing - Me Day

New York City, Here I Come....Again

Yes, I have been the New York City many times now...6, I think, but for most of those visits I was hanging out and learning with Mama's Gena's School of Womanly Arts.  Yes, it sounds like I was learning to become a lady, perhaps walking with a book on my head, doing embroidery and practicing to set the table for company.  Although those are skills that may actually do me well, they are not even close to the amazing life lessons I learned and that is not the point in any case.  The point is that despite my many visits, NYC and I have yet to be truly acquainted.  This trip I have 4 1/2 days to see the beauty of this amazing city.  Here are some of the things I would like to experience:

Walk the Highline again:

I have seen promos for a past event called The Social Soup Experiment often done mid-October so am secretly hoping it will be while I am there!

Bike Ride Through Central Park:

I have seen much of the park but nothing seems more luxurious than biking through the park with a girlfriend, chatting casually, stopping for pictures or a bite to eat or a hot chocolate and breathing in the crisp autumn air.

Broadway Show:

Of course a trip to NYC must always include a show on Broadway or just off Broadway.  Last time I went Christy and I saw Daniel Radcliffe in The Cripple of Inishmann and had an amazing time.  Not on Broadway, the most interesting show I ever experienced was Sleep, No More which was interactive and incredible!  This year I think I would like to see Wicked.

Museum Visit:  MoMA

Something I have always missed is visiting one of the notable museums.  This time around I would like to start with the Museum of Modern Art.  Although the Met and the Guggenheim buildings are supposed to be incredible, I love modern art.  The thought of sitting and contemplating beautiful art quietly (with hundreds of others, of course) really sounds wonderful to me.

Eat at Eataly with a foodie

The first time I was in NYC I did a city bus tour to get the lay of the land.  One of our stops was a huge Italian market and I went camera happy.  The food, the displays, the atmosphere was incredible. This was the trip that my camera got left in a taxi after arriving home in Vancouver and I lost all the gorgeous pictures I had taken.  This time I want to return with my camera in hand but also with a foodie.  I know that the market could be a gastronomical dream but as someone who is intimated and overwhelmed by food itself, I would love to have someone with me ordering different types of food to try, all along with a nice glass of wine of course.

Most importantly, I want to enjoy girl time with these lovely ladies...

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Nico: 11 Months

I recently found a journal entry, a list really, of what you were like at 11 months old.  My time to write and reflect about how amazing you are seems so limited, but at least we have this one.  Here we go, my happy boy:

  • words: dada, nana (food), uh oh, hi (sometimes)
  • like the slide, but swings go too fast for you
  • you stand up holding on to things and can let go and be on your own for a good 10 seconds
  • love climbing up stairs
  • follow Kai everywhere, laughing at everything he does
  • moving towards 1 nap a day, but right now you go between 4 and 4 1/2 hours between naps
  • throw your head back and laugh
  • love balls of all shapes and sizes
  • easygoing with everyone; forever smiling
  • wave in your own way - either with the whole arm facing forwards or turn your hand backwards to wave
  • bite everything, including sometimes your brother
  • becoming attached to your bedtime deer
  • communicate very clearly when you don't want something - yell loudly or push it away
  • beginning to enjoy feeding yourself
  • whack your head on the back of the (padded) highchair when you are eating, having fun moving it across the room with your forceful body slams
  • love music
  • shake your head side to side very fast to make yourself dizzy
  • flop your body and face into the mattress, looking for a reaction and trying to make us laugh
  • want to be part of everything we do, especially meal times

Monday, February 8, 2016

Life Today: February 9, 2016

A way to reflect that I want to return to...

Outside my window: darkness after a beautiful, sunny day

I am thinking...it is nice to not be watching any shows or be in the midst of any books that I just can't put down.  This, combined with a pro-d at work tomorrow, means that I have no work to do, nothing for my brain needs to mentally check off a list.  So, here I am finally, sitting down to return to a beautiful ritual of writing about and appreciating the simplicity and complexity that an average day in my life brings.

From the kitchen...tonight we had a rare evening when everyone was home, so Marc and I worked together to make rice, steamed and fresh veggies and barbecued pork.  It is so nice to share what I see as the burden of cooking for our family with someone who enjoys it.

I am wearing...my yoga pants, a few layers of shirts and a wool sweater and of course, my slippers.

I am creating...pockets of peace and reflection time amidst the loud, enthusiastic boisterous play that is our house; two amazing sons.

I am going ... to choose to spend my time on things and people I love.

I am reading...only audio books right now, as this new commute to and from UBC is long and stories make the journey more enjoyable.  Currently trying to take a break from all the non-fiction I seem to always read and am trying a new author recommended to me, Liane Moriarty.  So far, it is okay.  More of a beach read that I could take or leave.  I also have been spending many hours this year listening to the Diana Gabaldon series Outlander.

I am hoping...to work less and have more room for just being and loving and connecting.

I am hearing...the hum of the dishwasher and the silence of two boys in bed.

Around the house... a smattering of toys I didn't remind the boys to put away; my journals and pencils.  A board given to me by Colleen reminding me to 'Be in love with every minute of your life.'  I love this reminder and think of it often. I dream of placing one desire or photo in each clothes pin...

One of my favourite...moments is when my boys pause for some cuddle time.  It never gets old.

This weekend...was a lot of play time with the boys.  A long weekend as it is family day today.  We spend much time at playgrounds and just hanging together in the beautiful weather.

A few plans for the rest of the week...

take things slow
enjoy everything

Thursday, January 21, 2016

On being 40...

“I no longer have patience for certain things, not because I’ve become arrogant, but simply because I reached a point in my life where I do not want to waste more time with what displeases me or hurts me.” - Meryl Streep

In the year leading up to my 40th birthday I went on a mission to fill my time with adventures.  I had so many amazing days and moments.  It makes me think that is what life should be all the time, full of wonderful moments of living fully in what we desire.  Never at the cost of hurting another, of course, but alongside living the dreams of those who are closest to our hearts.

You hear about when people are diagnosed with a serious or terminal illness that they wish they would have had more time to live differently.  The internet is full of advice from centenarians.  The thing is, I think if we take time to be still in this fast-paced world, deep inside we know what we want and how we want to live.  We just don't know how to push through our fears.  So we busy ourselves with our work and daily 'necessities' of cleaning our houses, doing our laundry, taking care of our children and then we don't have to blame ourselves for not living as our truest selves. We say that life is simply full already.  But are our hearts and souls full as well?

I am not even halfway through my life.  I know this, yet somehow turning 40 made me feel like living life that way I want to live it is of the utmost importance - starting now.  Most nights I spend time putting my desires out to the universe..okay, I get them clarified in my own head and my own journal.  I'm not yet that practiced at communicating them to the greater world.  I am getting better but years of doing things on my own have created a pattern.  Years of being in control of my own destiny yet feeling the need to keep within a structured set of rules and guidelines has really sent a message to that same universe that 'I can do it by myself, thank you very much.'  Can I?  Perhaps.  I have been successful at many things so far in life, but I'm starting to understand (finally, my friends and family might sigh) that letting go of this control might bring me closer to my desires.

Right now my life is pretty amazing.  Although the transition has been exhausting, I shifted into a new job and school in September that allows me to finally live what I have believed about education for so long.  My boys are happy and healthy and full of energy.  They hug me every day and I adore them.  We are financially stable and secure.  We have amazing family and friends whom we see often.  And I know there is so much more beauty and love and adventure to be had.  There is light and joy ready to burst out of me, creating an opening where so much adventure, laughter, ease and spaciousness await.  But something still holds me back.  So I wonder...

What would life be like if I lived from the inside out?
What would happen if I started living daily from my desires and wasn't afraid to share them?
Would the world come crashing down if I simply let my boys stay up later?
Would living as I choose energize me so I would be able to play with my boys rather than need to put them to bed so I can recover from the day?
Why am I not prioritizing self-care?  What is actually getting in the way of it?

For Christmas, a girlfriend brought me a blackboard with the words 'be in love with every minute of your life'.  What does that look like?


I am sitting in a quiet house watching my almost 2-year old play trains, talking to them and then adding the next layer to his landscape to further develop the story in his mind.  Now and again he comes over and grabs my hand, saying "Play trains, Mommy."  I love him so much it fills me to overflow in moments like these.  He is so innocent, so happy, so openhearted.

He is full of smiles.  He changes his mind on a whim.  He watches our every move and listens to every word we say, mimicking us to perfection.

Desires of December 10, 2015

Oh desires, how I love you.  There are so many things that would never have happened in my life had I not sat down and expressed my desires for them.  I think we just get so busy that we just forget that we have a say in how our life turns out sometimes.  Well, thanks to the support of my team at work, I took today off to help rest my voice as laryngitis has been showing up all week.  I didn't listen to the universe and take time off because I felt okay beyond my throat and the headache it gave me to talk...okay, I took a few hours off and came back the next day for some more.  Seriously, is teaching a job that allows me to be silent for a whole day?  No so much.  So here I am, blessed by a day of silence and time to connect with myself again.  I have chosen to actually rest, mostly, rather than run around and do the Christmas shopping that beckons to me.

My Desires...

to feel full energy for tonight's Baby It's Cold in Wonderland event with Carol and D

to not have to talk until I pick the kids up from daycare

to go snowshoeing at Cypress multiple times this winter

for someone to clean our house bottom to top while we are out, and I mean, all dust and cobwebs and food splatter stuck to the wall and toothpaste spray all gone, like they were never there, floors and windows sparkly clean

my Fluevogs back in my shoe cupboard

adventures, so many adventures as often as possible, balanced with quiet time to let the amazingness all soak in

healthy, eczema-free sons

to enjoy cooking

to really enjoy the 2 weeks holiday and feel present with my boys and Marc, have fun with them every day

dogsledding at Whistler

snowboarding 8 times this season

go to the gym once or twice a week with ease and spaciousness

to have Christmas presents wrapped under the tree and left in peace by kids

trip to NYC this year-girls trip (over Spring Break?)

to go back to monthly savings plan

to work 4 days per week

a new laminate floor in my office with a white small area rug

horseback riding

a pretty new snowboard

a pretty gym bag

new running shoes and shorts